Like, Hi Everybody! Color me excited that bathing suit season is here. You know the pale, flabby parts that, from September to May, are safely shrouded in jeans, skirts, sweats, and Spanx? Soon they’ll get a chance to be viewed by all your friends and neighbors! Why, I’m travelling to the Caribbean for Spring Break, so my lumpy limbs get to be revealed even sooner! Super Duper!

But I’m taking a stand this year. No more hiding in my beach “cover-up”, an article of clothing that in any other season would be known as a shirt. I look around and see tons of people going to beaches and pools without Cheryl Tiegs bodies, time for me to stop cowering and get with the program.

I found an online bathing suit finder at goodhousekeeping.com. “Tempted to cover up at the beach this summer? Don’t!” This looks promising. Even a happy, plus-size model standing next to, not behind her surfboard. Exuding happiness. Not a worry in the world. It was genuinely exciting to scroll through the choices of body types to find my particular shape, size, and need. After all the site promises “comfortable, confidence-inspiring swimsuits that flatter every shape and size!”

I’m going to see, right here, a picture of a bathing suit that will make me look as gorgeous as Pamela Anderson in Baywatch. My heart skips a beat. Large bust? Nope. Serious support? Not my issue. Small bust? Now we’re talking. Seems I need a “bosom booster” to fake a décolletage. Sounds easy enough. Temperamental thighs need a “thigh disguiser” which one would think would be a skirt but no! Good Housekeeping actually recommends swapping skirted styles for high-cut leg openings which promise to “elongate gams.” Really?

Somehow I feel unsure. I check another site.

Yourswimsuitguide.com goes for the fruit analogies. I’m definitely a pear with a little apple thrown in. There I’m told my ideal suit is colored solid on the bottom and brighter on top, to draw onlooker’s attention upward. I’m hoping it’s upward to somewhere above my head but that’s probably too much to ask for. What’s this? Yourswimsuitguide.com is suggesting a suit with skirt or boy shorts. Wait. I thought skirt suits would draw attention to ample locations? My upbeat attitude is fading as my easy steps to being a Baywatch babe are getting shaky. I better check elsewhere.

Now I’m at About.com. Here I’m directed to look for a top with “bust enhancement,” They assure that actually I’m lucky because small-busted gals can wear those “cute, ruffled tops” that are so hot right now.

For the bottom, About.com recommends finding a suit that is cut high on the thigh which will make my short legs look “much longer.” If you have curvy hips then “all the better!” Boy they’ve got some artful writing. Here they side with goodhousekeeping.com and stress AVOID boy shorts and skirted bikinis as they draw the eye downward and can make you look shorter. For one-piece suits, About.com recommends a plunging neckline that creates a continual, long appearance. Then they go on to enthuse such a suit is “absolutely, drop dead sexy to boot!” Then again there’s the tankini, which About.com promises will make you look your best regardless of your size.

If you’re like me, our festival of challenges include: pear shape, long torso, short legs, smaller on top, roundish in the middle, less than svelte on the bottom, and a shaky body image to boot.

According to the professionals, our one-way ticket to Baywatch status seems to be: One-piece suits with plunging necklines to draw attention to our upper halves, or two-piece suits that are solid on bottom bright on top, and whatever you do don’t forget bust enhancers. Whether you choose one or two-piece, skirts are out! The bathing suit powers-that-be swear we shouldn’t be tempted.

For guys the bathing suit decision is as easy as choosing a beer. Grab whatever you have on the shelf. For me it’s taken hours upon hours of research to find, a “comfortable, confidence-inspiring swimsuit.” I’m not sure I’ve found either but I’m determined to give the suit thing a try. Make that, a suit sans board shorts.

Before I make a final decision I have one more search to perform on trusty Google. “Worst beach bodies.” This will soothe your soul I swear. My inquiry reveals Jerry Hall, Clint Eastwood, Tara Reid, and Mrs. Pierce Brosnan romping happily in the waves with bodies that could be categorized as apples, pears, heck even downright watermelons. But they aren’t crumpled over in despair. They’re…swimming. Mrs. Brosnan in particular looks radiant. She obviously found a comfortable, confidence-inspiring swimsuit! If you put a surf board near her there’s no way she’d duck behind it.

I’m following the lead of the woman who landed James Bond. Just buy a suit that you think is cute and wear the hell out of it. Hit the beach blazing. If you cover up in boy shorts, you wind up peering around at everybody else who isn’t perfect but had the moxy to wear a bikini, and then feel like a real chump. My new motto is, “What would Mrs. Brosnan do?”

I’m heading over to Victoria’s Secret where I’m going to buy:

Push-up Tankini Top with scoop bottom
http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/quickOrder.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=QuickOrderLink.jsp&event=QuickOrderLink&cgname=OSCQONAVZZZ&prnbr=GL-259681

Cobalt Paisley Ring halter top with ruched front scoop bottom
http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/quickOrder.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=QuickOrderLink.jsp&event=QuickOrderLink&cgname=OSCQONAVZZZ&prnbr=GL-253734

And just in case I get nervous, the Ruffled Caftan Dress!
http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/quickOrder.vs?namespace=productDisplay&origin=QuickOrderLink.jsp&event=QuickOrderLink&cgname=OSCQONAVZZZ&prnbr=GL-183221